I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
