This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
