You smell like a Billy Joel song
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
