Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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