I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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