I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
