I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
