Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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