How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
