when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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