I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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