Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
