I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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