I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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