if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
