...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
