Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
