There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
