Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
