First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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