I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
