The best revenge is premature balding
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
