I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
