I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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