Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
