I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
