Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
