she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
