how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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