You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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