dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My bed smells like the plague
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
