Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
