My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
