Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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