He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
do herpes really smell.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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