You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
