I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
