He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
