first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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