you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
