My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
