I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize