I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She's the barista slut.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
