Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
