I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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