mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
