i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
