so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
