It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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