Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize