i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
