When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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