It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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