Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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