So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i think i have two assholes
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
