My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
