My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
