i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize