Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize