I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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