Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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