The brown eye won't let me do that either.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
