i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
