Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i will never coherently bang her
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Can vaginas get frostbite?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
