Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
